May 2010
51 posts
“Now every idiot from high school’s like, ‘I’m back!’ We weren’t supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don’t want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody’s interested in you. I don’t want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?”
—Amy Schumer
“I’m not worried about the bullet with my name on it… just the thousands out there marked ‘Occupant.’”
—Anon
“Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.”
—Scott Adams
Survival Guide to LIC (Part 2) →
sugarcandy243.blogspot.com
4 More Simple Rules to Survive in LIC – (…continued)
SIDS – System Is Down Syndrome
Say you want to check how your policy is doing. You go down to your branch and ask them….
People Would Kill for Adobe Photoshop Beauty Cream →
gizmodo.com
Adobe Photoshop Day Cream. Reduces miraculously wrinkles and all skin imperfections. To always look young and glamorous.” In excess, it can cause blurred vision.
“On a long enough timeline the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.”
—Chuck Palahniuk
“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”
—Arthur Conan Doyle
One Liners
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
